Stop the Mom-Shaming
ACI President Erin Krehbiel is a regular contributor to HuffPost. See Krehbiel’s recent article below, originally published on HuffPost.
I remember being pregnant, and strangers coming up to me to touch my growing stomach—without permission. Then, as I made choices about birthing options, breastfeeding, sleeping, working and living arrangements—the barrage of unsolicited opinions poured in. I’m talking about those loaded statements like, “I could never let someone else raise my kids,” or “Must be so sad for your kids when you travel for work.” These mean-girl-mom comments do not discriminate either, as I’ve heard a fair share of, “Must be nice to stay home all day!” or “What exactly do you do all day?” to stay-at-home parents. It is as if women and mothers are an open invitation for judgement, critique, assumptions, and constant shaming. And I’d like it to stop.
Choices and sacrifices are part of being human, we need to start accepting each other for who and what we are, without holding ourselves—or each other—up to unreasonable standards. I’m a mom and an executive, a sister and a friend, and my life is messy and complicated and amazing. In honor of National Work and Family Month, here are my tips for staying sane and defining my own success:
1. Banish Working Mom Guilt – When it comes to letting go of guilt, I know it is much easier said than done. I recently shared my personal experience with Working Mom Guilt – but I have since found a simple question helps put things in perspective. If feelings of guilt start to arise, I ask myself, “What am I doing that is so wrong?” Usually, the answer is nothing. Judge yourself by your own standards, not others.
2. Redefine Having It All – I cannot even count the number of times people have asked me, “Do you think women can really have it all?” First of all, the question fails to address both men and women, and often ignores the broad spectrum of women who have virtually no choices and are struggling to make ends meet on a daily basis. For those of us lucky enough to have choices, I think the question is more, “How much am I willing to give in order to get what I really want?”
3. Strive for Work-Life Integration – Work-life balance is dead, and that’s a good thing. We are on the verge of a new normal, which is all about work-life integration. The new workforce is putting “life” first—which means different things for different people – and being forced to choose between work and family is becoming more and more obsolete. Ask yourself, “Am I fulfilled?” Make your life work for you.
Every so often, you meet that other human who totally gets it, no justifying, clarifying, over-explaining needed. We are all just showing up, every day, trying our best, dealing with whatever life throws us. So to any woman or mother who has ever been shamed, I say, “Liberate yourself from the tribe!” I never finished my daughter’s baby book, instead we have awesome dance parties and discuss how she can be an astronaut or a chef. I may not make the jog-a-thon assembly, but I run 5k’s with my seven year old. Having it all is a utopian fantasy; let’s rally to getting it done and having fun. Chart your own course and life seems to feel a heck of a lot lighter!